Snow Day

Since the start of January, we have had four snow days. (Well, technically, they are “severely dangerous windchill days.”)

In fact, the only reason I am able to sit down and write up this blog post today is the fact that I am sitting at home with my kids on the fourth “snow” day of the month.

Remember, when as a kid, you’d get super excited for a snow day?  I certainly do.  I remember waking up in the morning, finding out it was a snow day, and riding that high for the rest of the day.  I’ve always loved a good lazy day at home.

But the announcement of a snow day last Thursday brought this working mother to her knees in a sobbing heap.  

Why, you might ask?

For me, a snow day has become a stressful event.  These four days in January have been days that were cancelled not because of snow and bad road conditions, but because of severely cold windchill.

Work doesn’t close down for severe windchill.

I started a new job in October, one that requires a lot more out of me than my previous roles.  It’s a new level of leadership.  It also requires more travel, and a return to full time work.  (I was part time from 2005-2013). I have been trying so hard to do a good job, and to adjust to this change, and I LOVE the work I am doing.

But when last week’s snow day hit on Thursday, in the first three weeks back from the holidays, I had already missed two days the first week of January, two the second week, had MLK Day and missed a half day for my youngest’s doctor appointment.  And we were in the middle of planning for two workshops our team is holding this week.  (Yes, I am missing part of it right now.)  Compound that with a work culture where I work with mostly men, whose wives stay home, and my two team members are unmarried without kids, and I felt like I was

So when my husband and I were faced with trying to figure out who would stay home with the kids, and neither one of us wanted to stay home, the situation quickly degraded into an argument.  We were both selfishly trying to convince the other to stay home, but in reality we just made snarky comments towards each other and I stormed out of the room in frustration.

All the stress of the new job, feeling like I was not pulling my weight at work, and the self-imposed stress of trying to be the best mom, wife, engineer, AND team member I could be, and the tears came.

What didn’t help was when my husband decided to stay home so that I could go to work.  Because then, rather than feel like we had discussed it and compromised, I felt like the selfish one.

This weekend a friend shared this post on Facebook, and it resonated.  

“one of the greatest obstacles we face as women is the trap of comparing ourselves with other women.”

Because this is what I do.  Nobody is telling me that I’m a bad engineer, or a bad mom, or a bad wife.  In fact, quite the opposite happens.  I have lots of support from external people.  But I don’t support myself.  When I say “Nobody is telling me…” that’s kind of a lie.  Because someone is telling me that.  The problem is, she’s in my head.  And because she’s in my head, I can’t get away from that voice that says, “You’re not good enough.  You’re not doing enough.  Why aren’t you home with your kids?  Why don’t you want to be home with your kids?”

She’s sneaky, that voice in my head.  Sometimes, I almost think that it’s me.  But it’s not.  It’s someone else, someone trying to make me feel bad.  And I am trying very hard not to listen to her.  

 

 

For the record…this blog post took much longer than expected, mostly due to a potty training toddler who interrupted my train of thought at least three times…and is currently on the toilet yelling about the Avengers.

Dear Self: One Week of Motivation

I know I said I’d be back when I could. So consider this an update of sorts, but I’m not totally promising I’m going to be back to posting regularly.

So much has happened.  The summer was busy, the fall got even busier.  I had a huge project at work (HUGE) that ended up at the end of August.  About three weeks later I was asked to take a new job, and I LOVE it.  But, it required me to return to full time, and it is taking significantly more of my time.  It’s more of a leadership position, and so I have had a lot to learn and even more to try and accomplish.  It’s been about a month now, and I finally feel like I am starting to understand just what I need to do to be successful.

Throw in two boys on fall soccer teams, Lego League practices, and everything else, and I was one swamped lady.

So with all this going on, I wasn’t running much, and I wasn’t blogging at all.  I honestly found that in the evenings, if I was home, all I wanted to do was sit.

So I have been reevaluating some things.  I resigned from my writer’s position at the Quad City Moms Blog.  I had cut back my writing to only once every few months, but it was still causing me stress and it had stopped being fun.  I also was trying to figure out what other things I could remove from my list, things I could “not do” in order to help me stay sane.

Then, this last week, I figured out that there is something I CAN do to stay sane.  Something I haven’t been doing for a while.

RUN.

So on Sunday, at the urging of my husband, I headed out for a run.  It felt so good that when I got back I jumped on Facebook and posted this:

My letter to myself

I remembered I have this practically new treadmill in the basement.  I have been ignoring Betty, and she’s been gathering dust.  Remember those evenings that I don’t want to do anything?  I realized that I am probably not going to change how I feel in the evenings.  After a full day of work, parenting, and everything else, I don’t want to head out for a run and I REALLY don’t want to go to the basement and run on the treadmill.

So I decided to try it.  I set the alarm clock for 4:30.  And on Monday, I got up and ran.  Then I did it again on Tuesday.  And Wednesday.  Thursday morning, I decided to sleep in.  And on Thursday, I felt worse all day than I had felt all week.  So on Friday, I got up early and ran again.  Then I ran outside yesterday, and today.  Six out of seven days.  Seven out of eight if you count the run I took last Sunday.

I haven’t run this many times in a week in months. Maybe not in the last year.

I have no idea if this motivation will continue, but I know that when I wake up at 4:30 and run on the treadmill, even if it’s just for 20 minutes, I feel better all day.  And I’m not overly tired at night.  So I am going to ride this wave of motivation as long as I can, because now that it’s getting colder and darker, my motivation to run in the evenings is going to get smaller and smaller.

I’ll see you when I see you.

I know my posts are few and far between, and I decided today that I’m just going to embrace that and live with it.  I am not a professional writer, and I just don’t have the time to do this more often.  So, although I’d love to post weekly, or even more than once a week, I just have to realize that at this point in my life I am not able to sit down and type at the computer “for fun” even once a week.

When life gets busy, my running and my blogging suffer.  And, at this point, life is ALWAYS busy.  I’m hoping things slow down around October.  (2020)

Today I headed out for a run, and felt awesome in the first mile.  Then the lack of much extensive running these past few weeks took hold, and I got more and more tired.  I still managed 5 miles, but I had to take several walk breaks.  I’m not frustrated by this.  I’m actually okay with it.  I think I would have felt worse about it if I had stopped at 3 miles and called it good.  But I decided that even with walk breaks, I wanted to do 5 miles so that I would feel I had accomplished something.  And I realized, this is what happens when you push running to the back burner to deal with life.  But struggling to complete 5 miles is a hard thing to accept when you are used to expecting so much more.  A month ago I ran two half marathons in two weeks, and 10 miles the next weekend.  Of course I came home after that 10 mile run and spent the day sick in bed…whether that was the run or not I don’t know.

But, in the end, what I am doing is spending the time on things that mean more to me.  My kids, my family, and work.  (yeah, work).  I love running, and I love it even more when it’s effortless and rewarding.  And right now it’s not very rewarding – it’s frustrating.  But I also know that this is only a phase, and I’ll get back into it when it makes more sense.  I’m done promising myself that soon things will slow down and I will have more time.

It makes me wonder how others squeeze it all in.  I can’t even fathom training for another marathon right now when I’m hardly getting in a few miles a few times a week.  And some people hit the gym daily?  And cook dinner for their family?  And play catch in the back yard?  And clean the house? And go swimming?  And play at the park?  My head is spinning just thinking about all the things we AREN’T doing.

 

I need to relax.  We’re taking some vacation time in the next few weeks, and I need that desperately.  I may post more if I have time, but then again, I may not.  And I’m going to be okay with that.

 

So, as someone once said to me, “I’ll see you when I see you.”  Seems appropriate.

 

I stink.

I feel gross.

I got out for a 6 mile run this morning. Thanks to my mother-in-law, our two older boys were having a sleepover with their cousins, so I also took an opportunity to sleep in. (Until 7:30!)

When I walked in the door all sweaty and gross, and realized my husband wasn’t home, (he had gone to the grocery store with our youngest), I quickly had to adjust my plans – which had included a nice hot shower. I knew that my kids were supposed to be home very soon.

It’s a good thing I didn’t shower. Sure enough, within 10 minutes she pulled up with a carload of cousins.

All the kids thundered into the house and into the basement to play, and after about 10 minutes I realized that my shower plans had been derailed. It just wasn’t going to happen.

At this point, I only had a short window of time (5 minutes) before we had to leave for my 6 year old’s baseball game. I quickly threw on some pants and washed my face so I wouldn’t look quite so, well, “post-run.”

Why pants? Well, this morning I went out for a run in a very short running skirt. Fine for a run, but not fine for an hour sitting in the bleachers with a bunch of other parents.

After the game we came home, ate lunch, and my husband took the two older boys fishing. Yes! Time for a shower!

Just as they pulled out of the driveway, the 2 year old woke up, ready for lunch and playtime.

Rats! Foiled again.

I’ll shower sometime today.

But for now, I still feel gross.

award season…and I didn’t even buy a dress

What a surprise!  I go without posting for a few weeks…(did anyone miss me?)

…and I get nominated for an award!

I was nominated for the Liebster Blog Award over at Yea, I’m a Runner.  I love reading her blog, and was totally surprised when she nominated me!   What a nice Friday surprise this was…especially given that I’ve had one really cruddy week.

I’ve been so super stressed out by some family issues.  How stressed?  So stressed that my face has about 10 new breakouts (not pretty).  My middle child got sick Thursday with an over-100-degree fever, and he spent all day Friday on the couch.  The doctor said, “it could be mono, we have had some cases recently, but if it’s this early we probably won’t be able to detect it anyway…so just bring him back in a few days if he’s not better.”  

Enough complaining, back to the cool part!  The award!

I’m sure you’re wondering…

What in the world is a Liebster Award?

Well, I had to look it up on the blogs who were nominated before me.  Liebster is a German word for “favorite” – so one could say this is a “favorite little blog award.”  It is awarded to a blog that has less than 200 followers. It is an amazing opportunity to get to know other blogs and pay it forward. The rules for receiving this award are:

• Recognizing the awesome blogger that nominated you!
• Write 11 things about yourself.
• Answer the 11 questions the blogger who nominated you asked.
• Nominate new bloggers!
• Write 11 questions of your own for the bloggers you nominate.

So…here goes!  I already mentioned  Yea, I’m a Runner – if you haven’t already checked her out, go over and do it now!

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Now for 11 random things about myself.

1.  I’m notoriously indecisive.

2.  When I get stressed out, I want to curl up in a ball and sleep.  Earlier this week I was yawning at 7:30 am.

3.  I’m a lifetime member of Girl Scouts.

4.  I love to knit.  In fact, I’m usually in a rush to work on my knitting every night, which is probably why I’m not blogging or working out after 7 pm.

5.  I also love to read, which I can’t do while knitting.  So when I have found a good book, the knitting goes to the side and I can’t. stop. reading. until I’m done.

6.  If I were Superman, my Kryptonite would be chocolate.  I can’t resist the stuff.

7.  I am pretty sure I couldn’t be a full-time, stay at home mom.  I love my kids but I think I would go crazy.

8.  My biggest source of stress?  Having to arrange childcare for my kids.  I hate feeling like I am imposing on my family.  I would rather stay home than have to ask.  I hate feeling like a burden.

9.  I don’t like to plan ahead, or schedule things to the last detail.  I’d much rather take it easy and see how things develop.  This conflicts directly with number (8) above and is probably part of why that stresses me out so much.

10.  My favorite thing to do on a night out is listen to live music.  I’d much rather go to a concert or show than sit through a movie in the dark.

11.  This one is for my boys…who always want to know who my favorite superhero is.  Usually they want me to pick my favorite Avenger…so in that case it’s Iron Man.  He’s smart, inventive, and confident…and has no superpowers without his suit.  He’s just a guy who invents things…so I like to think he’s an engineer.

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Questions from the blogger who nominated me:

1. What is your favorite book?
I have to pick one? (see my first fact above).  I am an avid reader, and I am always reading a book.  But if I had to pick, I guess my favorite book is the Lord of the Rings trilogy (see, I go and pick three…).  Coming in close afterward is The Giving Tree, the Game of Thrones series, anything by Kurt Vonnegut,…I should just stop.

2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?
Hmm.  Right now I’d have to say Seattle.

3. Beer or wine…or both?
Beer.  I’m kind of a beer snob thanks to my homebrewing husband.  I have grown to love all kinds of beer, but I mostly prefer coffee stouts and IPA’s.  I won’t drink the “mainstream” beers like Budweiser, Coors Light, etc.  It’s not worth it to me.  I do like wine, but really only drink it if we’re out for a nice dinner.  The bottles we have at home never get opened.

4. What is your favorite season?
Fall, most definitely.  I love the cooler days (give me 50-60 degrees year round!) and the crisp air.  And FOOTBALL!

5. Which historical figure would you like to meet?
Wow, this is a tough one.  I think I’d like to meet Albert Einstein.  Just to come that close to such a brilliant mind…

6. What decade – era – would you want to live in?
This one.  I am definitely one for living in the moment and enjoying life fully.  Every day, month, and year just keeps getting better.

7. What is your favorite tv show?
This is hard, because I don’t control the remote!  I usually watch whatever my husband is watching.  When he’s not around, most times the TV is off.  But I love to record Austin City Limits and I often watch that when he’s gone.

8. Is there an age you wish you could go back to? What age & why?
See my answer to (6).  I love where I am right now.

9. Dog or cat person?  Dog.

10. How many states have you visited? As far as I can estimate, 35.  Give or take a few…depending on if driving through them counts…

11. What do you do when you’re in a bad mood to cheer yourself up?  
Um, I go for a run!  Everything seems a bit more manageable after a run.  Although if it’s a particularly bad mood, I practically have to be shoved out the door by my husband.

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And now for the fun part!  Nominating other bloggers!

JoggingJeans

Mother Running Rampant

Sporty Mama Life

Mountain Kait

RunnerGal22

elisariva
(I say she counts even with 232 followers!)

runninghaiku

Dan’s Marathon

Dirty Girl Running

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Now my questions for all you amazing bloggers:

1.  If you were Superman, what would your Kryptonite be?

2.  How many pairs of running shoes do you have?  Which is your favorite?

3.  If you were given 2 free plane tickets to anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you take with you?

4.  Science Fiction or Romantic Comedy?

5.  What color is your car?

6.  What is the last book you read, and did you like it?

7.  If you won the lottery you would…

8.  Who is your favorite superhero?

9.  Did you grow up in a small town/rural area, suburb/medium sized town, or in a big city?

10.  What was your favorite thing to do or place to go when you were 10?  Would it still be fun if you did it today?

11.  What is one item on your bucket list?

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All right, there it is.  Enjoy, folks!

Coming Soon: Grandmother Power

A week or so ago I mentioned how I have been using Tara Mohr’s 10 Rules for Brilliant Women.  Also a few weeks ago, I subscribed to her email list.  In one of the first emails she sent, she challenged bloggers everywhere to join in to the “Grandmother Power” blogging campaign.

I didn’t really need much time to decide to join.  Let’s see…I have struggled to write, sometimes I need an idea for a post, and this gives me both a deadline and a topic.  Win-win!

And then I have put it off all week as the chaos of the kids’ sporting activities took over – we’ve had at least one activity every night this week, and when I get home and get the boys into bed, the last thing I’ve wanted to do was sit down and write.  Usually I want to eat some dinner and go to bed…yes, at 7:45 pm.

So today, during my youngest’s nap, after scrambling to address invitations for my oldest’s upcoming birthday party (they had to be mailed today), and going for a quick treadmill run and a shower, I am now sitting down to write my post.  Wish me luck.  I think I may have about 20 minutes before he wakes up…

I’ll come back and add a link to the post here when I get it written…here it is: https://runningunplugged.wordpress.com/2013/05/10/empowering-for-innovation/

dreaming big…

Before I get into my real post, I have a random thought to get out of my head and onto the screen, so bear with me:

The true hallmark of the wacky weather we have been having?  I have worn all my headbands – I have never run out of Bondi Bands before.  I always need to do running laundry before I run out of headbands.  But, with this weather, which is 70 degrees one day and 40 degrees the next, I have found that I have been wearing almost all my running gear.  So, I still have running clothes that are weather-appropriate.  I haven’t had to wear all my shorts or all my tights…but I have worn all my headbands.  So the last two nights I’ve had to dig out headbands from the dirty pile (shhh…) so that I can run.

Okay, now to the real stuff.  Warning – the following is not running related.  It’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to.

I’ve been finding myself doing a lot of personal reflection these last few weeks.  I started working with a mentor earlier this year, partially for career direction/input, and partially to help me through some tough times at work.  She has been having me talk through what I enjoy about work, what motivates me personally, and the like.  It’s been enlightening, but I still haven’t found the “arrow” that points me to what my perfect job is.

I participated in a webinar a week ago entitled “Finding your best work.”  In that webinar, the instructor, Tara Mohr, led us through an exercise that was intended to help us identify the key elements to our happiness.  The idea is that through reflecting on the times when we felt most personally satisfied and fulfilled, we could identify the common threads to those experiences that made them so great.  It was only an hour, but it was an idea I had never thought about before.  What if the things I think that I like to do aren’t really the things that would give me personal satisfaction?  What if it’s other elements of those experiences that I need?  And what if I could recreate those experiences in my current life?

This motivated me to sign up for weekly inspiration and emails from Tara’s website, and to download her “10 Rules for Brilliant Women Workbook” – I’m only on the first rule, and already it has changed me.  (Hopefully for the long-term).  Step one is to start to support yourself the way you support those around you, in the way you talk to yourself, the way you are a champion for yourself, etc.  It was enlightening.  Already this week I have noticed that I tend to “talk down” to myself – and to others.  That self-depreciating humor that was funny in high school doesn’t always lead to success in the workplace.

Then last night I watched the Dove video.  I watched it and I cried.  I won’t lie.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can be really hard on myself.  A lot of people seem to think that I am some sort of “super mom” – when in reality, I tend to think that I’m never doing anything right.  In fact, I’m constantly looking at others wishing I could be more like them.  Whether it’s being a stay at home mom, leading a charitable organization, or something else, I am always thinking I should be doing more.

And I saw this news article on Facebook.

Step 2 in Tara’s 10 step process is to dream big.  What would you do if you had no boundaries?  No inhibitions?  Nothing holding you back?  You’re supposed to write down what your ideal, perfect, can’t-even-start-to-imagine-it work would be.

I haven’t done Step 2 yet.  And tonight I think I may have figured out why.

It’s because I’m scared.  I’m scared to think about what that ideal would be.  I’m scared to put it out there and to think about what it might mean.  I’m scared that it might be something so totally different from where I am today that I couldn’t get there even if I tried.

I still don’t think I’m ready to let it be written down, especially not in such a public place.

But I’m starting to dream about what could be – if I only am able to let myself dream…

Maybe in a future post I’ll be able to tell you what that is.  But for now, it’s for me.  It’s my dream, it’s my vision, and I don’t want to make it public because I know that doing so will make me water it down.  I’ve almost typed it a few times and I noticed myself editing it down.  I don’t want to do that, I want to let myself fully embrace the dream and let it grow as big as it wants to be.

Soccer Scramble

This CD challenge is pretty fun so far. Tonight after a crazy day at work, honestly the last thing I wanted to do was run. Or go to soccer practice. But, I had to take my son and his best friend to soccer.

Now, usually what I do at soccer is sit and watch the boys practice. Or I read a book, or knit.

Today the CD challenge inspired me to run. So instead of changing into jeans and a sweatshirt, I put on my running gear.

In just these few short days of this challenge, what I am already learning is that putting on the running clothes is 90% of the battle. Once I’m dressed getting out to run seems a lot easier.

I got to the park with the boys, made sure they were all set for practice, and after they started I took off on my run. Through a new neighborhood, on unfamiliar roads, in 50 degree sunshine. It was fun.

And now I’m not stressed out about work anymore.

CD #3 done.

Now I can sit on this park bench in the suand watch the boys finish up their practice.

Treadmill musings

Random thoughts for today from my run:

1. You might be a tad desperate to potty train your child when you download an iPhone app for potty training. Desperate or a genius. Time will tell.

2. How good a deal does it have to be to get a mom to buy eight boxes of fruit flavored snacks? Apparently 8 for $6 with an additional $4.50 off your groceries.

3. It’s hard to make a valentines day cake to surprise your kids when you accidentally put the cake mix back on the shelf when getting boxes of fruit snacks. And no, I don’t think I’ll make it from scratch.

4. What’s harder than trying to get a stubborn toddler to sit on the potty? (Answer: I don’t know. I haven’t found anything harder yet.)

5. Does anyone calibrate a treadmill before sending it to the store? I swear 6.0 mph is a lot easier at the gym.

6. I love Portlandia. And Netflix. Like chocolate and peanut butter, they are best together.

7. Skype. I’m not sure I am comfortable with it yet. It’s a bit awkward to video chat with engineering students from your home. But it works, and I don’t think they think I am too weird. Luckily I combed my hair and put on a clean shirt and makeup first.

8. When will they design a treadmill with an integrated web browser? Sure, there’d be typos. But judging by how long I spend on my iPhone’s browser each day, I could really get a lot of miles in while surfing.

9. How come my two year old takes two and a half hour naps at grandma’s house but only sleeps 45 minutes here? Something is not quite fair.

10. Crap! I forgot to throw in the laundry this morning!

Happy Friday, friends!

p.s. : still accepting nominations for names for my treadmill. 🙂

Exhale…now.

Do you hear that?

That’s the sound of me. At home.

And for the record, tonight I did.

What did I do?

I rocked the little one and sang to him before bed. (I sang Tori Amos, if you must know).

I snuggled with each of the older boys and talked with each about his day before tucking him in.

Everything is as it should be.

Life is good.