dreaming big…

Before I get into my real post, I have a random thought to get out of my head and onto the screen, so bear with me:

The true hallmark of the wacky weather we have been having?  I have worn all my headbands – I have never run out of Bondi Bands before.  I always need to do running laundry before I run out of headbands.  But, with this weather, which is 70 degrees one day and 40 degrees the next, I have found that I have been wearing almost all my running gear.  So, I still have running clothes that are weather-appropriate.  I haven’t had to wear all my shorts or all my tights…but I have worn all my headbands.  So the last two nights I’ve had to dig out headbands from the dirty pile (shhh…) so that I can run.

Okay, now to the real stuff.  Warning – the following is not running related.  It’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to.

I’ve been finding myself doing a lot of personal reflection these last few weeks.  I started working with a mentor earlier this year, partially for career direction/input, and partially to help me through some tough times at work.  She has been having me talk through what I enjoy about work, what motivates me personally, and the like.  It’s been enlightening, but I still haven’t found the “arrow” that points me to what my perfect job is.

I participated in a webinar a week ago entitled “Finding your best work.”  In that webinar, the instructor, Tara Mohr, led us through an exercise that was intended to help us identify the key elements to our happiness.  The idea is that through reflecting on the times when we felt most personally satisfied and fulfilled, we could identify the common threads to those experiences that made them so great.  It was only an hour, but it was an idea I had never thought about before.  What if the things I think that I like to do aren’t really the things that would give me personal satisfaction?  What if it’s other elements of those experiences that I need?  And what if I could recreate those experiences in my current life?

This motivated me to sign up for weekly inspiration and emails from Tara’s website, and to download her “10 Rules for Brilliant Women Workbook” – I’m only on the first rule, and already it has changed me.  (Hopefully for the long-term).  Step one is to start to support yourself the way you support those around you, in the way you talk to yourself, the way you are a champion for yourself, etc.  It was enlightening.  Already this week I have noticed that I tend to “talk down” to myself – and to others.  That self-depreciating humor that was funny in high school doesn’t always lead to success in the workplace.

Then last night I watched the Dove video.  I watched it and I cried.  I won’t lie.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can be really hard on myself.  A lot of people seem to think that I am some sort of “super mom” – when in reality, I tend to think that I’m never doing anything right.  In fact, I’m constantly looking at others wishing I could be more like them.  Whether it’s being a stay at home mom, leading a charitable organization, or something else, I am always thinking I should be doing more.

And I saw this news article on Facebook.

Step 2 in Tara’s 10 step process is to dream big.  What would you do if you had no boundaries?  No inhibitions?  Nothing holding you back?  You’re supposed to write down what your ideal, perfect, can’t-even-start-to-imagine-it work would be.

I haven’t done Step 2 yet.  And tonight I think I may have figured out why.

It’s because I’m scared.  I’m scared to think about what that ideal would be.  I’m scared to put it out there and to think about what it might mean.  I’m scared that it might be something so totally different from where I am today that I couldn’t get there even if I tried.

I still don’t think I’m ready to let it be written down, especially not in such a public place.

But I’m starting to dream about what could be – if I only am able to let myself dream…

Maybe in a future post I’ll be able to tell you what that is.  But for now, it’s for me.  It’s my dream, it’s my vision, and I don’t want to make it public because I know that doing so will make me water it down.  I’ve almost typed it a few times and I noticed myself editing it down.  I don’t want to do that, I want to let myself fully embrace the dream and let it grow as big as it wants to be.

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