Tag Archives: stress

Snow Day

Since the start of January, we have had four snow days. (Well, technically, they are “severely dangerous windchill days.”)

In fact, the only reason I am able to sit down and write up this blog post today is the fact that I am sitting at home with my kids on the fourth “snow” day of the month.

Remember, when as a kid, you’d get super excited for a snow day?  I certainly do.  I remember waking up in the morning, finding out it was a snow day, and riding that high for the rest of the day.  I’ve always loved a good lazy day at home.

But the announcement of a snow day last Thursday brought this working mother to her knees in a sobbing heap.  

Why, you might ask?

For me, a snow day has become a stressful event.  These four days in January have been days that were cancelled not because of snow and bad road conditions, but because of severely cold windchill.

Work doesn’t close down for severe windchill.

I started a new job in October, one that requires a lot more out of me than my previous roles.  It’s a new level of leadership.  It also requires more travel, and a return to full time work.  (I was part time from 2005-2013). I have been trying so hard to do a good job, and to adjust to this change, and I LOVE the work I am doing.

But when last week’s snow day hit on Thursday, in the first three weeks back from the holidays, I had already missed two days the first week of January, two the second week, had MLK Day and missed a half day for my youngest’s doctor appointment.  And we were in the middle of planning for two workshops our team is holding this week.  (Yes, I am missing part of it right now.)  Compound that with a work culture where I work with mostly men, whose wives stay home, and my two team members are unmarried without kids, and I felt like I was

So when my husband and I were faced with trying to figure out who would stay home with the kids, and neither one of us wanted to stay home, the situation quickly degraded into an argument.  We were both selfishly trying to convince the other to stay home, but in reality we just made snarky comments towards each other and I stormed out of the room in frustration.

All the stress of the new job, feeling like I was not pulling my weight at work, and the self-imposed stress of trying to be the best mom, wife, engineer, AND team member I could be, and the tears came.

What didn’t help was when my husband decided to stay home so that I could go to work.  Because then, rather than feel like we had discussed it and compromised, I felt like the selfish one.

This weekend a friend shared this post on Facebook, and it resonated.  

“one of the greatest obstacles we face as women is the trap of comparing ourselves with other women.”

Because this is what I do.  Nobody is telling me that I’m a bad engineer, or a bad mom, or a bad wife.  In fact, quite the opposite happens.  I have lots of support from external people.  But I don’t support myself.  When I say “Nobody is telling me…” that’s kind of a lie.  Because someone is telling me that.  The problem is, she’s in my head.  And because she’s in my head, I can’t get away from that voice that says, “You’re not good enough.  You’re not doing enough.  Why aren’t you home with your kids?  Why don’t you want to be home with your kids?”

She’s sneaky, that voice in my head.  Sometimes, I almost think that it’s me.  But it’s not.  It’s someone else, someone trying to make me feel bad.  And I am trying very hard not to listen to her.  

 

 

For the record…this blog post took much longer than expected, mostly due to a potty training toddler who interrupted my train of thought at least three times…and is currently on the toilet yelling about the Avengers.


Dear Self: One Week of Motivation

I know I said I’d be back when I could. So consider this an update of sorts, but I’m not totally promising I’m going to be back to posting regularly.

So much has happened.  The summer was busy, the fall got even busier.  I had a huge project at work (HUGE) that ended up at the end of August.  About three weeks later I was asked to take a new job, and I LOVE it.  But, it required me to return to full time, and it is taking significantly more of my time.  It’s more of a leadership position, and so I have had a lot to learn and even more to try and accomplish.  It’s been about a month now, and I finally feel like I am starting to understand just what I need to do to be successful.

Throw in two boys on fall soccer teams, Lego League practices, and everything else, and I was one swamped lady.

So with all this going on, I wasn’t running much, and I wasn’t blogging at all.  I honestly found that in the evenings, if I was home, all I wanted to do was sit.

So I have been reevaluating some things.  I resigned from my writer’s position at the Quad City Moms Blog.  I had cut back my writing to only once every few months, but it was still causing me stress and it had stopped being fun.  I also was trying to figure out what other things I could remove from my list, things I could “not do” in order to help me stay sane.

Then, this last week, I figured out that there is something I CAN do to stay sane.  Something I haven’t been doing for a while.

RUN.

So on Sunday, at the urging of my husband, I headed out for a run.  It felt so good that when I got back I jumped on Facebook and posted this:

My letter to myself

My letter to myself

I remembered I have this practically new treadmill in the basement.  I have been ignoring Betty, and she’s been gathering dust.  Remember those evenings that I don’t want to do anything?  I realized that I am probably not going to change how I feel in the evenings.  After a full day of work, parenting, and everything else, I don’t want to head out for a run and I REALLY don’t want to go to the basement and run on the treadmill.

So I decided to try it.  I set the alarm clock for 4:30.  And on Monday, I got up and ran.  Then I did it again on Tuesday.  And Wednesday.  Thursday morning, I decided to sleep in.  And on Thursday, I felt worse all day than I had felt all week.  So on Friday, I got up early and ran again.  Then I ran outside yesterday, and today.  Six out of seven days.  Seven out of eight if you count the run I took last Sunday.

I haven't run this many times in a week in months.  Maybe not in the last year.

I haven’t run this many times in a week in months. Maybe not in the last year.

I have no idea if this motivation will continue, but I know that when I wake up at 4:30 and run on the treadmill, even if it’s just for 20 minutes, I feel better all day.  And I’m not overly tired at night.  So I am going to ride this wave of motivation as long as I can, because now that it’s getting colder and darker, my motivation to run in the evenings is going to get smaller and smaller.


I’ll see you when I see you.

I know my posts are few and far between, and I decided today that I’m just going to embrace that and live with it.  I am not a professional writer, and I just don’t have the time to do this more often.  So, although I’d love to post weekly, or even more than once a week, I just have to realize that at this point in my life I am not able to sit down and type at the computer “for fun” even once a week.

When life gets busy, my running and my blogging suffer.  And, at this point, life is ALWAYS busy.  I’m hoping things slow down around October.  (2020)

Today I headed out for a run, and felt awesome in the first mile.  Then the lack of much extensive running these past few weeks took hold, and I got more and more tired.  I still managed 5 miles, but I had to take several walk breaks.  I’m not frustrated by this.  I’m actually okay with it.  I think I would have felt worse about it if I had stopped at 3 miles and called it good.  But I decided that even with walk breaks, I wanted to do 5 miles so that I would feel I had accomplished something.  And I realized, this is what happens when you push running to the back burner to deal with life.  But struggling to complete 5 miles is a hard thing to accept when you are used to expecting so much more.  A month ago I ran two half marathons in two weeks, and 10 miles the next weekend.  Of course I came home after that 10 mile run and spent the day sick in bed…whether that was the run or not I don’t know.

But, in the end, what I am doing is spending the time on things that mean more to me.  My kids, my family, and work.  (yeah, work).  I love running, and I love it even more when it’s effortless and rewarding.  And right now it’s not very rewarding – it’s frustrating.  But I also know that this is only a phase, and I’ll get back into it when it makes more sense.  I’m done promising myself that soon things will slow down and I will have more time.

It makes me wonder how others squeeze it all in.  I can’t even fathom training for another marathon right now when I’m hardly getting in a few miles a few times a week.  And some people hit the gym daily?  And cook dinner for their family?  And play catch in the back yard?  And clean the house? And go swimming?  And play at the park?  My head is spinning just thinking about all the things we AREN’T doing.

 

I need to relax.  We’re taking some vacation time in the next few weeks, and I need that desperately.  I may post more if I have time, but then again, I may not.  And I’m going to be okay with that.

 

So, as someone once said to me, “I’ll see you when I see you.”  Seems appropriate.

 


award season…and I didn’t even buy a dress

What a surprise!  I go without posting for a few weeks…(did anyone miss me?)

…and I get nominated for an award!

I was nominated for the Liebster Blog Award over at Yea, I’m a Runner.  I love reading her blog, and was totally surprised when she nominated me!   What a nice Friday surprise this was…especially given that I’ve had one really cruddy week.

I’ve been so super stressed out by some family issues.  How stressed?  So stressed that my face has about 10 new breakouts (not pretty).  My middle child got sick Thursday with an over-100-degree fever, and he spent all day Friday on the couch.  The doctor said, “it could be mono, we have had some cases recently, but if it’s this early we probably won’t be able to detect it anyway…so just bring him back in a few days if he’s not better.”  

Enough complaining, back to the cool part!  The award!

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I’m sure you’re wondering…

What in the world is a Liebster Award?

Well, I had to look it up on the blogs who were nominated before me.  Liebster is a German word for “favorite” – so one could say this is a “favorite little blog award.”  It is awarded to a blog that has less than 200 followers. It is an amazing opportunity to get to know other blogs and pay it forward. The rules for receiving this award are:

  • Recognizing the awesome blogger that nominated you!
  • Write 11 things about yourself.
  • Answer the 11 questions the blogger who nominated you asked.
  • Nominate new bloggers!
  • Write 11 questions of your own for the bloggers you nominate.

So…here goes!  I already mentioned  Yea, I’m a Runner – if you haven’t already checked her out, go over and do it now!

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Now for 11 random things about myself.

1.  I’m notoriously indecisive.

2.  When I get stressed out, I want to curl up in a ball and sleep.  Earlier this week I was yawning at 7:30 am.

3.  I’m a lifetime member of Girl Scouts.

4.  I love to knit.  In fact, I’m usually in a rush to work on my knitting every night, which is probably why I’m not blogging or working out after 7 pm.

5.  I also love to read, which I can’t do while knitting.  So when I have found a good book, the knitting goes to the side and I can’t. stop. reading. until I’m done.

6.  If I were Superman, my Kryptonite would be chocolate.  I can’t resist the stuff.

7.  I am pretty sure I couldn’t be a full-time, stay at home mom.  I love my kids but I think I would go crazy.

8.  My biggest source of stress?  Having to arrange childcare for my kids.  I hate feeling like I am imposing on my family.  I would rather stay home than have to ask.  I hate feeling like a burden.

9.  I don’t like to plan ahead, or schedule things to the last detail.  I’d much rather take it easy and see how things develop.  This conflicts directly with number (8) above and is probably part of why that stresses me out so much.

10.  My favorite thing to do on a night out is listen to live music.  I’d much rather go to a concert or show than sit through a movie in the dark.

11.  This one is for my boys…who always want to know who my favorite superhero is.  Usually they want me to pick my favorite Avenger…so in that case it’s Iron Man.  He’s smart, inventive, and confident…and has no superpowers without his suit.  He’s just a guy who invents things…so I like to think he’s an engineer.

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Questions from the blogger who nominated me:

1. What is your favorite book?
I have to pick one? (see my first fact above).  I am an avid reader, and I am always reading a book.  But if I had to pick, I guess my favorite book is the Lord of the Rings trilogy (see, I go and pick three…).  Coming in close afterward is The Giving Tree, the Game of Thrones series, anything by Kurt Vonnegut,…I should just stop.

2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?
Hmm.  Right now I’d have to say Seattle.

3. Beer or wine…or both?
Beer.  I’m kind of a beer snob thanks to my homebrewing husband.  I have grown to love all kinds of beer, but I mostly prefer coffee stouts and IPA’s.  I won’t drink the “mainstream” beers like Budweiser, Coors Light, etc.  It’s not worth it to me.  I do like wine, but really only drink it if we’re out for a nice dinner.  The bottles we have at home never get opened.

4. What is your favorite season?
Fall, most definitely.  I love the cooler days (give me 50-60 degrees year round!) and the crisp air.  And FOOTBALL!

5. Which historical figure would you like to meet?
Wow, this is a tough one.  I think I’d like to meet Albert Einstein.  Just to come that close to such a brilliant mind…

6. What decade – era – would you want to live in?
This one.  I am definitely one for living in the moment and enjoying life fully.  Every day, month, and year just keeps getting better.

7. What is your favorite tv show?
This is hard, because I don’t control the remote!  I usually watch whatever my husband is watching.  When he’s not around, most times the TV is off.  But I love to record Austin City Limits and I often watch that when he’s gone.

8. Is there an age you wish you could go back to? What age & why?
See my answer to (6).  I love where I am right now.

9. Dog or cat person?  Dog.

10. How many states have you visited? As far as I can estimate, 35.  Give or take a few…depending on if driving through them counts…

11. What do you do when you’re in a bad mood to cheer yourself up?  
Um, I go for a run!  Everything seems a bit more manageable after a run.  Although if it’s a particularly bad mood, I practically have to be shoved out the door by my husband.

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And now for the fun part!  Nominating other bloggers!


JoggingJeans

Mother Running Rampant

Sporty Mama Life

Mountain Kait

RunnerGal22

elisariva
(I say she counts even with 232 followers!)

runninghaiku

Dan’s Marathon

Dirty Girl Running

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Now my questions for all you amazing bloggers:

1.  If you were Superman, what would your Kryptonite be?

2.  How many pairs of running shoes do you have?  Which is your favorite?

3.  If you were given 2 free plane tickets to anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you take with you?

4.  Science Fiction or Romantic Comedy?

5.  What color is your car?

6.  What is the last book you read, and did you like it?

7.  If you won the lottery you would…

8.  Who is your favorite superhero?

9.  Did you grow up in a small town/rural area, suburb/medium sized town, or in a big city?

10.  What was your favorite thing to do or place to go when you were 10?  Would it still be fun if you did it today?

11.  What is one item on your bucket list?

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All right, there it is.  Enjoy, folks!


dreaming big…

Before I get into my real post, I have a random thought to get out of my head and onto the screen, so bear with me:

The true hallmark of the wacky weather we have been having?  I have worn all my headbands – I have never run out of Bondi Bands before.  I always need to do running laundry before I run out of headbands.  But, with this weather, which is 70 degrees one day and 40 degrees the next, I have found that I have been wearing almost all my running gear.  So, I still have running clothes that are weather-appropriate.  I haven’t had to wear all my shorts or all my tights…but I have worn all my headbands.  So the last two nights I’ve had to dig out headbands from the dirty pile (shhh…) so that I can run.

Okay, now to the real stuff.  Warning – the following is not running related.  It’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to.

I’ve been finding myself doing a lot of personal reflection these last few weeks.  I started working with a mentor earlier this year, partially for career direction/input, and partially to help me through some tough times at work.  She has been having me talk through what I enjoy about work, what motivates me personally, and the like.  It’s been enlightening, but I still haven’t found the “arrow” that points me to what my perfect job is.

I participated in a webinar a week ago entitled “Finding your best work.”  In that webinar, the instructor, Tara Mohr, led us through an exercise that was intended to help us identify the key elements to our happiness.  The idea is that through reflecting on the times when we felt most personally satisfied and fulfilled, we could identify the common threads to those experiences that made them so great.  It was only an hour, but it was an idea I had never thought about before.  What if the things I think that I like to do aren’t really the things that would give me personal satisfaction?  What if it’s other elements of those experiences that I need?  And what if I could recreate those experiences in my current life?

This motivated me to sign up for weekly inspiration and emails from Tara’s website, and to download her “10 Rules for Brilliant Women Workbook” – I’m only on the first rule, and already it has changed me.  (Hopefully for the long-term).  Step one is to start to support yourself the way you support those around you, in the way you talk to yourself, the way you are a champion for yourself, etc.  It was enlightening.  Already this week I have noticed that I tend to “talk down” to myself – and to others.  That self-depreciating humor that was funny in high school doesn’t always lead to success in the workplace.

Then last night I watched the Dove video.  I watched it and I cried.  I won’t lie.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can be really hard on myself.  A lot of people seem to think that I am some sort of “super mom” – when in reality, I tend to think that I’m never doing anything right.  In fact, I’m constantly looking at others wishing I could be more like them.  Whether it’s being a stay at home mom, leading a charitable organization, or something else, I am always thinking I should be doing more.

And I saw this news article on Facebook.

Step 2 in Tara’s 10 step process is to dream big.  What would you do if you had no boundaries?  No inhibitions?  Nothing holding you back?  You’re supposed to write down what your ideal, perfect, can’t-even-start-to-imagine-it work would be.

I haven’t done Step 2 yet.  And tonight I think I may have figured out why.

It’s because I’m scared.  I’m scared to think about what that ideal would be.  I’m scared to put it out there and to think about what it might mean.  I’m scared that it might be something so totally different from where I am today that I couldn’t get there even if I tried.

I still don’t think I’m ready to let it be written down, especially not in such a public place.

But I’m starting to dream about what could be – if I only am able to let myself dream…

Maybe in a future post I’ll be able to tell you what that is.  But for now, it’s for me.  It’s my dream, it’s my vision, and I don’t want to make it public because I know that doing so will make me water it down.  I’ve almost typed it a few times and I noticed myself editing it down.  I don’t want to do that, I want to let myself fully embrace the dream and let it grow as big as it wants to be.


Soccer Scramble

This CD challenge is pretty fun so far. Tonight after a crazy day at work, honestly the last thing I wanted to do was run. Or go to soccer practice. But, I had to take my son and his best friend to soccer.

Now, usually what I do at soccer is sit and watch the boys practice. Or I read a book, or knit.

Today the CD challenge inspired me to run. So instead of changing into jeans and a sweatshirt, I put on my running gear.

In just these few short days of this challenge, what I am already learning is that putting on the running clothes is 90% of the battle. Once I’m dressed getting out to run seems a lot easier.

I got to the park with the boys, made sure they were all set for practice, and after they started I took off on my run. Through a new neighborhood, on unfamiliar roads, in 50 degree sunshine. It was fun.

And now I’m not stressed out about work anymore.

CD #3 done.

Now I can sit on this park bench in the suand watch the boys finish up their practice.

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Distance Mothering

When you’re a working mom, sometimes the easiest things are a struggle. And the hard things? They can feel impossible.

This has been shown to be true again this week. I’m out of town for work, and when I am out of town, nothing is easy.

Excuse me while I vent about how hard my life is. You can skip the rest if you want to avoid the whining… 

In order to even consider going on a trip, I have to plan ahead. Actually, any change in my schedule requires advance planning, but the amount of work required to prepare for a trip out of town becomes overwhelming.

First I have to figure out where the toddler should go. You see, I work part time, so I don’t work every day. If I need to travel on a day I am not scheduled to work, I have to arrange someone to watch him for that day.

Then I have to figure out how to transport this toddler to and from said babysitter. My husband is unable to take him in the morning, so I have to resort to recruiting the sitter (usually my mom) to come out to our house early in the morning. This way she is there before he has to head to work. This week I even had to ask Grandma to keep the toddler overnight, because there wasn’t a good way to transport him between her house and our house while I was gone.

Usually my husband can take the older boys to school. But sometimes, he has early morning meetings, and so then I have to recruit someone to come even earlier to our house before he leaves (like 6 am) and help get the boys on the school bus. Luckily that is usually only once a week.

But next, I have to figure out where my two older boys should go after school. You see, I work a compressed schedule so that I can be home each evening when they get off the bus. If I can’t be there, I have to figure out who I can bribe ask to meet them after school. This usually involves asking family members to be at our house after school.

Once I have figured out what to do with the boys after school, then I have to check and see what other activities we might have going on. Is there soccer practice one night? Do I need to make sure that any special school projects are done? Does my oldest know where his library book is?

By the time I’ve made all these arrangements, I’m mentally exhausted. And I still haven’t even thought about my trip. Many times I’ve done so much to figure out how to cover my absence that I no longer want to go on the trip.

That’s what happened this week. A week ago, I was convinced that I shouldn’t be gone. The stress of figuring out how to get everyone in the right place, at the right time, with adult supervision, was overwhelming.

But, after a gentle nudge from my boss and assurances from my mom that we were covered, I decided to go ahead and make the trip. And a few hours in, I was already regretting it. Honestly, about 20 minutes into the 6 hour drive, when I realized the rental car had no cruise control, I should have realized that was the first sign that this trip was not going to be “normal.” (whatever that is…)

Two days in and I had already had two crises at home. They were minor crises, nothing that required me to head home, but crises nonetheless. First, I spent 30 minutes on the phone when I should have been enjoying a baseball game. I won’t get into why I was on the phone, because that’s personal. But I can say that I definitely felt awkward having that conversation behind a major league baseball stadium, within earshot of all the smokers, as I tried not to cry and failed.

Then the next day, my meetings were interrupted by a phone call from my husband – my oldest son had been in trouble at school. It’s not an easy task, trying to parent from 425 miles away. I’m in the hallway trying to have a conversation with my 7-year-old, explaining how disappointed I am in him, while he sobs into the phone. So there I am, trying hard not to cry (and failing…there’s nothing quite like hearing your child cry and not being able to even put your arm around him).

Given all this emotional drama, I have been drained of energy. Last night, everyone else was going out for drinks, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and go to bed. So, that’s basically what I did.

I’m sure that all of this would not feel quite so stressful if I had been running regularly the last few weeks. Running always helps balance out my world, my mental state. It keeps me sane and gives me that time alone to work through my thoughts and emotions. But when I get stressed, all I really want to do is sleep. If I ever start complaining about being so very tired, chances are I am exhausted from stress.

So this week I have been extremely tired. The TV in the hotel room hasn’t come on. Nope, not once. I haven’t opened the book I brought. I haven’t even worked on the hat I’m knitting for my son. I have done nothing productive in this hotel room. All I’ve done is sleep.

Couple my stressed-out-tired-state-of-mind with this week’s conference schedule, and you can bet that I haven’t hit that hotel treadmill. In fact, I haven’t run at all since Saturday. Last week wasn’t exactly a great training week. And if you remember right, I have a half marathon on Sunday, so I’m kind of freaking out about that…

But in the end, I am not trying to win this weekend. I’m just running to have fun. So I don’t really care what my time is, as long as I enjoy myself. And to me, that’s the most important part: that I have fun. Someone remind me of that at mile 10, please?

Luckily, tonight I was able to go out with a few coworkers and have a little fun. I enjoyed some good beer (and no, it wasn’t Coors Light!), and I even got a few free t-shirts from a local sports radio station.

So, I’m more than ready to go home tomorrow. It’s only been a few days, but I miss my boys. I want to sleep in my own bed and wake up next to my husband. Right now, I wouldn’t even mind my youngest waking me up at 3:30 am. I was able to video chat with the boys tonight and all I wanted to do was scoop the little one up and snuggle with him. Every night I rock him before bed. Every night when I’m tucking in the older boys, I talk with them about the best parts of their day. I love hearing what they think was “awesome” that day. These are just a few of the little things I miss when I’m gone.

Luckily, tomorrow I will be able to do all these things, and I am already so grateful for that.


random brain dump

I realize it’s been a long time since I posted.  I probably should have posted a recap of the Race for the Cure last weekend.  I probably should have posted something about my first post-marathon run.  But the truth is, I was busy.  And right now, I don’t have time for “probably should have”s.

In fact, I think I need to stop beating myself up for not being “as good as” everyone.

So what if I don’t post a blog post every day?  Or after every run?  Or on a “regular schedule so that your readers know when to expect a post,” as WordPress so nicely informed me I should…

So, here’s my recap of the Race for the Cure.

1.  It was hot
2.  I was almost late enough to miss the start.
3.  I think I ran my second fastest 5k ever. (around 25:30)
4.  I learned my lesson.  If you don’t get a cookie right away, they are gone within 20 minutes.
5.  The LiveUncommon race shirts were sweet.  Sadly I didn’t get to race in mine because of (2).  But I wore it all day after the race and got lots of comments.

I’m feeling a bit irritated tonight, if you couldn’t tell.  I’m frustrated at something that has absolutely nothing to do with running.  I need to run it out, but I was waiting for my husband to get home.

He’s just walked in the door, so off I go, because if I don’t I’m going to stew on this all night.


the nitty gritty details

So, now for the details (at least as many as I can remember).  This is probably going to be long, so I’ll apologize in advance.  If you want the quick synopsis, look at this post.

On Sunday, I ran a marathon.  It all seems so surreal.  Almost like I dreamed it.  Today, two days later, I feel…normal.  There is a tiny bit of tightness in my muscles, but really, I feel fine.  Tonight I ran up the stairs and into the hall before I realized just what I was doing.  “Shouldn’t that have hurt?” I thought.

But I’m jumping way ahead of myself, aren’t I?

We drove up to Minneapolis on Saturday, taking our time getting there.  My husband was dying to visit the Toppling Goliath brewery in Decorah, Iowa.  I am so glad we stopped.  The people there were so incredibly nice, and we enjoyed spending a few hours just sitting there talking beer.  I think my husband is already trying to figure out when he can get back.  Luckily for us, we were there right when they tapped Pseudo Sue, so we got to taste it fresh – minutes from being kegged…it was, in a word, amazing.  Definitely worth the visit.  However, it made us a bit later getting into Minneapolis than we originally planned, so we had to go to packet pickup first before checking into the hotel.  No worries, packet pickup was a breeze, and I got to say a quick hi to fellow RMM Leia who was working at the shirt handout tables.

One thing that I have always wanted to do is to own a marathon finisher’s jacket.  I always told myself I would get one for my first marathon.  So I keyed in on those in the “expo” (more on that later) and went to check them out.  I thought they were a bargain at $30, and my husband nodded, so I quickly purchased one.  I figured this was more incentive to finish the race, because there was no way I would wear the jacket without actually finishing.  That would be like lying!

Overall, I was disappointed in the expo.  Packet pickup was great and super convenient, but the expo consisted of a few marathon shirts and the aforementioned jackets, and one display of running gear.  Hardly anything for the “last minute” shopper – my husband was thinking of getting some new headphones, and I always like to see the latest running gear, but what little they had there I could get at the local sporting goods store.  So we were in and out of there in about 15 minutes.

We went to the hotel, checked in, and headed out to get some dinner.  My husband figured I should eat pasta, so he took me to an Italian place.  We ordered, and when our food arrived, I ate two bites and, suddenly, couldn’t eat any more.  My stomach was in a huge knot, and I had no appetite.  I struggled to swallow a few more bites, then decided force-feeding myself wasn’t a good idea either.  Luckily we had shared a salad and I had eaten a few slices of bread before the entrees arrived, so it wasn’t like I was starving myself.

We headed back to the hotel, and I laid out my race gear, got my fuel belt and bib number set up, my timing chip on my shoelaces, and I was in bed by 9.  Crazy people, we are.

Sunday morning the alarm went off at 5:15.  (The race started at 6:30.)  I had slept pretty soundly, only waking once at 3:15, and I had been able to go back to sleep.  I was calm, not very nervous, which is weird for me.  I’m usually a nervous wreck before a race.  I got dressed and ate a banana, while my husband got his running gear on (he ran the half).  We headed out to walk to the race, and halfway there I realized I hadn’t eaten the cereal I packed.  We looked for a coffee shop to buy a bagel, but none were open, so my husband offered me the gel he was going to take on his race.  So I had a gel about 6:15.

A nice guy offered to take our picture if we’d buy him running shoes…

I lined up with the 10 minute/mile group, and soon it was time to go.  I never heard a starting gun, or the national anthem, actually I never heard anything.  There were about 800-900 runners in the full marathon (the half started an hour later, at 7:30), so it wasn’t like it was a huge crowd, but I couldn’t hear the PA system at all.  So when everyone started to crowd up to the front, I followed along (we are really just lemmings, aren’t we) and started running when I hit the pace mats.

And we’re off!  Can you find me?

I wonder what I was looking at?

The first six miles of the race pretty much flew by.  There were plenty of people around, I really enjoyed talking with one fellow runner for a few miles until we hit a water stop and I lost her.  The highlight of the first few miles had to be talking for a while with a guy wearing a full hockey uniform (pads and all).  The only thing he wasn’t wearing were the skates – luckily he had running shoes on instead.  He was running with a relay team and they were raising money for charity.  Each of them had on the full uniform.  With the heat, the added weight (he said it was something like 30 pounds of gear), and the helmet, I am so impressed by these guys.

At mile 6 I stopped at a porta potty (actually this was at the finish line – what torture to have us run by the finish line at mile 6?), then kept going.  I was going along at a comfortable pace, but in hindsight it might have been faster than I should have been going.  But it felt good and the air was cool, so I went with it.  It wasn’t that far off my normal pace, but knowing now what was coming, I probably could have slowed down.

I followed my original race plan to run with a bottle of nuun, sipping throughout the run, and take a gel every 5-6 miles.  With the breakfast snafu and the lack of a full dinner the night before, I opted to fuel more often, knowing that the guidance is usually “fuel before you think you need it” – so I aimed to take a gel every 5 miles or less.  It worked for me in training, I wasn’t going to change now.  And I sipped on the nuun the whole time I ran, refilling the water bottle when it was getting low and dropping in a new tablet.  I drank almost four whole bottles of water during the race – three were nuun, and the last was water.  For someone who typically drinks one during a long run, this was a lot more – but I needed it.

Everything went great until mile 14, when it started to get hard.  Miles 12-14 had been on a nice wooded trail, shady and cool.  Then we hit mile 14, and bam! back into the sun.  I decided I could use some music, so I turned on some Radiohead.  Then at mile 15, we hit a gravel road for a mile out-and-back.  The course had been rerouted due to flooding, so I know this wasn’t the original plan, but the gravel, honestly, was not a good running surface.  Some of the rocks were over an inch in diameter, and often I found myself with one poking up into my shoe, or my ankle twisting as I landed roughly on one.  I tried to find the path of least rocks, but this was a hard job.  Kudos to the guy who ran this barefoot.  He should get two medals.

Side note – at this point we were also running in the runway approach for the Minneapolis St. Paul Airport.  An airplane flew about 200 yards over my head.  It was kind of cool.

Just before mile 18, the 4:30 pacer passed me.  4:30 had been my “stretch goal” – the “if everything is going perfect, then I might have a shot at it” goal.  Just after that, this happened (see red circle).

I am not kidding. This was climbing a mountain.

Everyone walked that hill.  I don’t think it was physically possible to run up it.

By the time I hit mile 19, we were running right next to the interstate.  Cars were honking, the sun was beating down, and I was getting tired.  I told myself, “You knew this was going to be hard.  Now you have to finish.”

I looked up, and saw the most amazing sight.  I saw an eagle fly overhead, just above the treetops.  (maybe 50 feet over my head).  Nobody else was close to me on the path.  I think I was the only one who saw it.  I watched to see the eagle come out of the other side of the tree, and it never did.  I couldn’t find it again.  It was like it had vanished.  If you’ve followed this blog you know about me and eagles.  To me, this was a sign – right when things got hard, I see an eagle?  It couldn’t have been a coincidence.  And I’m pretty sure I wasn’t hallucinating.  I dug down and started running again.

I kept a steady pace, just walked more at the end.

The next 6 miles were tough, yes, but I never, ever thought I wouldn’t make it.  I looked at my watch and saw that I had finished 20 miles in about 3:30.  The question wasn’t whether I would finish, the question was how long it would take.  So I allowed myself to walk when it was hard, when I was tired, and each time I would start running again.

Eventually around mile 22-23, I realized that it hurt more to walk than to run, so I started to try and run more often, and make the walk breaks shorter.  By this time it was pretty warm, so I tried to stay in what little shade was left.  Everyone around me was walking too.  I guess all the “runners” were up ahead…that or it was the heat.  There was a small group of us that were all together, we’d pass one another, then one would walk and the others would pass, and so on.  It was like a giant slow-motion game of leapfrog.  But way less fun.

In the end, I did finish, and I was even able to pick up the pace a bit at the end.  I heard the announcer struggle to pronounce my name, as always.  At least this race I was not “Annie” – that was a definite plus!

Right after the race I found my husband, and we headed off to the beer tent.  The beer wasn’t very good, so we stayed to talk with Leia for a little while then headed back to the hotel.  I was disappointed in the post-race party, but this post is already too long, and there’s no need to complain here.  I will just fill out my post-race survey as requested and give them my feedback directly.  Let’s just say I didn’t get any water except for a small cup right at the finish line, and nobody told me where I could get my finisher’s photo taken, so I didn’t get one.

I’m pretty sure I told my husband several times I didn’t need to ever do this again.  But at the same time in my head I was already analyzing what went wrong and trying to figure out if any of it could be fixed.  I’m an engineer, that’s what I do.  After getting back to the hotel, we both wanted to collapse – so we took quick showers and laid down.  I’ll admit I felt pretty awful – tired and exhausted, sore, achy, and nauseous.

But a few hours later, we got up, went for a walk to get something to eat, and besides having a hard time getting up and out of chairs, I wasn’t feeling too bad.  At dinner, we sat down at the restaurant, and “Learning to Fly” came on.  If you don’t know why this is important, reference the eagle post above.  This isn’t a song I usually hear on the radio, and less often at restaurants.  It also was totally in contrast with the rest of the music at this restaurant.  It was definitely strange that it came on, but appropriate given the day.  To me, it was just another confirmation that sometimes, our instincts are spot on.   Of course I believe in coincidences, but this time, no.  This was a sign.

So that was my race story.  And now, two days later, with no leg pain and feeling pretty much recovered, I have to ask myself, do I want to do this again?

Honestly?  I think I do.  I can’t believe I just said that.  But maybe not this year, because if I do this again I want to be able to put 100% into the training, so that I go into the race knowing that I have done the best I can do.  So although I have some thinking to do, I’ve already got three half marathons this fall, so I think I’ll probably focus on those.  It will be easier to do the training through our busy summer, and I can still get in some pretty long runs with the LU crew.

For those who are into numbers…


Scheduling – in technicolor!

Once again, my busy life has gotten me in a position that I don’t like.

We have so many things going on this weekend that I am stuck trying to figure out exactly how to do it all.  And the thing is, I don’t really have a choice in the matter.  We have to do it all.  I have to do it all.  I just have to figure out a way.

And so comes the stress.  For me, one of the most stressful things in life is trying to figure out schedules.  How to get one child here, the other there, leave a car somewhere else, drop off a carseat there, and so on.

I thought about listing out all the things that I need to do this weekend, but after typing it all out I deleted it.  There really is no reason to drag this blog post down further than it already is.  What purpose would it serve?  Either it will make me feel like a wimp for being so stressed about it, or it will make me feel worse.

So the dilemma that I’m faced with, that is causing me the most agony, is my 19 mile run.   I was, like the last few weekends, planning to run my long run on Saturday with the LU group.  But we are planning a trip to Chicago for a concert on Saturday.  And it turns out that my husband wants to leave by 9:30 am.  Meaning I would need to have run, showered, and be dressed and ready to go by then.

So I realized that in order to get in 19 miles with the group, I would have to show up at 4:30 am.  That didn’t sound half bad, until I started to realize that I would have to get up before 3:30 am in order to make it there by 4:30.  I’d spend an hour in the car just driving there and back (which is an hour I probably don’t have Saturday morning).  Plus I’d be running with a smaller number of runners who are faster than me.  Even if they tried to hold the pace back, I know I would run faster to keep up with them (and probably would pay for that faster pace at the end of the run).  But I love running with the group.  There is nothing like conversation to get me through the miles.  And when conversation fails, as it sometimes does, at least I have another person to share in the misery.

Option 2 is for me to get up and head out on my own for 19 miles closer to home.  Part of me wants to think this would be a glorious option.  3+ hours of peace and quiet!  3 hours on my own!  Another part of me is yelling “Are you crazy? ”  But, I suppose it would be a good way to test out my mental stamina.  I could practice mantras, visualization, and all the other “tricks” I have read that I will need to get through 26.2 miles.  Or, I could load up 3 hours of podcasts…

My husband suggested I wait and run my 19 miles on Saturday afternoon, after we get to Chicago, and run on the lakefront.  Sounds awesome, right?   Not so much.  I’m not that familiar with the lakefront.  I’m freaked out by strange people, particularly men, when I’m running alone.  There’s no way I’d feel comfortable running for over 3 hours in a strange place alone.  Plus, he and his mom would be out shopping and enjoying the city while I slogged out a 3+ hour run in the mid-afternoon.  Fun for him, not so much fun for me.  I’d love to run on the lakefront.  Someday.  But I think that jumping into a car for three hours, then getting out and running for three more is a recipe for disaster.  I’d much rather run for three hours, THEN have the three hour car ride.

You’re probably asking why I can’t run on Sunday.  Sunday morning is shot as we’re driving back from Chicago, and then we are working at a local 5K race that I am helping organize, so I’ll be tied up with that from approximately 12-3.  And sure, it sounds great to go run 19 miles after driving home and running around for three hours at an event.  I bet my legs would love running from 4-7 pm.  And surely my brain wouldn’t talk me out of it.  Surely not.

I’ve mentioned that I’m an engineer, right?  Yeah.  So you know how engineers solve problems, don’t you?

We make spreadsheets.

I’m not kidding.

And you can probably guess what I sat down at the computer tonight to do.

Yep.

A spreadsheet.

I actually have a Excel spreadsheet, with color coded fields, that I started to help me visualize the weekend.  I even used a formula to calculate how much time I need to allocate for the run.  (Honestly this is kind of embarrassing.  You should see the spreadsheets we engineers develop.  I need to add more formulas.  This just isn’t quite up to my standards.)

I thought that this would help, but in reality it just made my problem more colorful.

So I’m back to my original two options.  Wake up before the vampires hit the sack so I can run with the group, or get an extra hour of sleep and run alone.  Right now I’m leaning towards running alone, just because it feels like the lowest stress option. No worries that the group will leave if I’m running a few minutes late, and nobody to “keep up” with.  But I still have time to decide.